(January 31, 2013) — Watching television is the greatest of pastimes. It does a great job of killing those brain cells we so dearly cling to. TV is similar to music in that there is something out there for anybody. Even as someone who is not an avid TV viewer, I cannot say that I am against all types of shows. In music you have your indie and alternative for the wannabe hipsters, heavy metal for head-bangers and so on. The same goes for TV. Particularly with reality television there are variegated factors. If you are ever indecisive as to which TV shows may tickle your fancy, let me suggest a few notable programs. You may soon find yourself becoming more cultured—nay, enlightened—by these shows. Jersey Shore gives viewers a chance to laugh at the non-stop partying and hammered version of humanity that nobody actually wants to be; this show reminds people why it is important to have some form of intelligence. But take the time to educate oneself? Ain’t nobody got time for that. For those who may actually want to learn, Jeopardy delves into the educational field of entertainment: it gives the audience a chance to learn arguable unimportant, miscellaneous facts that most people would not care to take the time and research on their own. With all the information Jeopardy has offered its audiences, imagine the intelligence viewers have obtained from those Daily Doubles. Kids on the street do not spit rhymes about misogyny or fiscal irresponsibility; they spit facts about the origins of operas. Have you ever dreamed of having that perfect princess moment, where all eyes are on you, admiring your every movement and word? No? Well, maybe your mother did. Toddlers and Tiaras does an excellent job at proving how countless controlling mothers force their selfish, sugar-high daughters into beauty pageants, attempting to live vicariously through them. The screams and frustration from the competitors will warm your hearts. If you are one who would rather dive into the life of a pageant competitor, then you better “redneckognize” Here Comes Honey Boo Boo . We follow the majestic Honey Boo Boo, a six-year-old Toddlers and Tiaras jewel participant, in her natural habitat of central Georgia. For those who do not yet know the ways of the Honey Boo Boo, it actually has a name: Alana. Yes, she is a human being. Observing her family trying to raise a teacup pig, insulting one another’s physique and neglecting basic hygiene makes one think about the importance of family values. Now, my dear reader, hopefully you are keen to respecting your elders; it’d be a shame to hear you refer to loving grandma as “old hag.” However, in Betty White’s Off Their Rockers , it is the elderly doing the trolling. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen an old woman asking a teenager to help her send a sexual text or a 70-year-old man busting out skateboard tricks on a boardwalk. Remember kids, there’s no better way to waste your time than sit and rot in front of the idiot box. But if you’re ever caught between watching a southern family fighting over a squealing pig or drunkards never forgetting the necessities of GTL (gym, tan, laundry) while fighting over a beer, consider which would make you feel more fuzzy inside. Stay classy, Clark.