(April 2, 2013) — “Bands a make her dance, bands a make her dance…” When Juicy-J’s wise words play in my subconscious, all fears and stress automatically disappear. His sexist lyrics calm the soul, reminding me how everything will be okay. My peeps sometimes inquire as to why I’m at ease so often. Will the real reason please stand up? The secret: mainstream rap as music therapy. They say the key to maintaining a peaceful lifestyle lies in one’s personal treatment. Sure, poppin’ tags with retail therapy benefits troubled females (ain’t that right, Macklemore?), and aromatherapy can do an A-plus job of getting someone nice and stoned, but the true savior is the almighty music therapy. Dank experts define music therapy as a spiritual healing method geared towards promoting wellness and enhancing memory. Seems legit, considering the only thing on a rap-addict’s mind is the rhythmic movement of a female’s derrière. You work that thing, Shawty. But really, don’t be swayed by the triviality of this kind of music. It actually helps, for nothing empties a brain better than a Top 40 hit single. Why isn’t everyone listening to rap? What other genres are there? What’s a Beethoven? Music snobs argue that if you need to wipe your mind, listen to some Debussy or Tchaikovsky, for nothing beats a beautiful symphony. What is that even? Oh they fancy, huh? We should take these sour pusses to the candy shop and show them how sweet rap is. Otherwise, go home snobs, you’re drunk. You see, kids, sometimes we need to step away from our inner arrogance and consider the benefits of rap. Because there’s no point in swelling one’s mind with out-of-tune oboes and glockenspiels, when Lil Wayne’s voice is the sound of the heavens—or from down under, depending on your perspective. Music therapy is also an interactive, innovate medium of self-help. Feeling a little down in the dumps? Sit in a Musically-Troubled Anonymous meeting, and you will hear problems extending from the windows to the wall. Then throw in some Drake and everyone will automatically feel like ballers. Some artists know how to connect with their audience, right in the feels. To start from the bottom, now you’re here? That is beyond meta. So if you’re having stress problems, I feel bad for you, son. I got ninety-nine problems—PSYCH, that’s the wrong number! Anyways, rap solved all of my problems. Try alleviating mental strain with some soothing, yet ratchet, rap. You’ll ball so hard before you know it.