Dear Ramon,

I’m a male senior at my high school, and I’m also the most handsome and sexy person in my entire graduating class. But dude, the problem is that I’m so sexy that I can’t get a prom date. The chicas are usually all over me, but at the same time they think I’m a playa. It’s almost Valentine’s Day and I can’t find the right girl to ask to prom. I would never think this would happen to ME! Help?!

Help me out,

Tern Dawn Forwat

Dear Mr. Forwat,

I understand that you’re a tall, handsome shining example of humanity that works hard by day and parties with bros by night. Girls want that attention. In a way, they love the bad boy who breaks their heart so they can complain to their friends about it and get the attention they think they deserve.

All you have to understand is that girls don’t last a day. Find someone outside of your clique, like an adventure of romance in the sea of tranquility. Sail across the ocean of love in your rowboat of willingness and actualization, with each excruciating row a sacrifice to your future of many Instagram pictures. You need to be the boost to her choost.

Going back to your problem, leave all those could’ve-beens behind and find someone who will bring out the side of you never discovered before. Share your world of chocolates, roses and gifts. The future is the result of the present, the past is the betrayal of the present and the present is the iPhone 5s.

Don’t go looking for love, let it find you. This reminds me of an anecdote, where I went to a corner downtown. There were two ice cream shops. The closer one, Shop A, only served three flavors: chocolate, vanilla and strawberry. The other ice cream shop, Shop B, served literally every flavor of ice cream humanly possible: rocky road, spumoni, green tea, fried, cookies n’ cream, red velvet, cotton candy, everything! My masculine brain and I decided that we would definitely go to the one with the most flavors.

While I was chowing down on my piquant spumoni-flavored ice cream, I cried as I realized I could have eaten the scrumptious cookies n’ cream or the mouth-watering rocky road. As I took another spoonful of spumoni to the face, I mused about the life I could’ve lived if the acquired after-taste of spumoni could have been only replaced by the crunchiness of fried ice cream. My tears mixed with the nuts and fruit as I sadly walked home, with a broken heart.

I went to Shop B and dived into the world with too many choices in ice cream. I was so excited from all the delectable choices that I couldn’t even decide on one when I finished eating. If I went to Shop A instead, with the core flavors that I was used to, I would have found the ice cream I was longing for all along. Girls are a lot like ice cream.

The truth is sweeter in full. Get out there, make yourself comfortable, and everything will be straight-forward like chocolate and strawberry. Mr. Forwat, when you’re out picking your prom date, remember this happens to the best guys. Be true to yourself, be true to your true love.

True love is friendship set on fire. True love is sharing a whole tub of cookie dough with her. True love is making her full name your League of Legends username. True love is only eating 80% of the bacon.

Best wishes,

Ramon