(September 30, 2003) — As I make my way through the snack windows (when I am actually able to get through the sea of jutting elbows of the cutting people), visions of fast food urban legends dance through my hungry head: “My friend found a beak in his chicken nugget.” “Someone told me that McDonald’s bid against a dog food company for the same unusable cow parts for their meat patties.” “There are ground-up maggots in the burgers.” Gross. What’s in that overpriced sandwich you’re eating anyway? Could it possibly be chicken? Or perhaps it’s turkey, its dryer cousin? Or may be it’s churky, a friendly blend of both? Well, I’m not so hungry anymore. However, I recently had a sandwich anyway, for a desperate lack of anything else to eat, containing one slab of that churky stuff and one piece of white cheese nestled into soggy bread. Where’s the rest? (And to those of you who might be familiar with vintage meat commercials, “Where’s the beef?!”) I was most disappointed to see the absence of the usual suspects: wilted lettuce, brown from frozen hibernation, the one pickle slice that stains everything green and the tomato that’s been hastily folded into the bread’s crevice. My alternatives are dim: greasy bag chippies to nacho cheesies, soda to overpriced fluid ounces of organic juice, and the daily ribbanugget on a bun or whatever it is. Some of the more humorous teachers will read the menu mockingly (O, cruel school!), while sarcastically punctuating their dictations with hearty “MmmMmm good!”s. Methinks they tease because having an off-campus lunch is an option for them, as is the dress code. The health of our youth is at stake here! If jeans and uncollared t-shirts are believed to hinder our learning processes, lack of nutrition should also be fussed over, y’hear?