(January 27, 2006) — Once upon a time there was a gullible hamster who seriously thought he was going somewhere with his hamster wheel. Every morning he would run on this deceptive apparatus and forget his sunflower seeds. Not only did he fail to realize the futility of his efforts, he also couldn’t see the fact that he was in a cage, controlled by an ugly seventh-grade teacher. And then there was the impressionable American student: a unique specimen bred for competition, programmed with an unquenchable thirst for prestige and worldly accomplishment, and equipped with the powerful defense mechanism of “Indifference to Morality” when it comes to succeeding in the real world. Need I say more? For those of you who got the connection, I applaud you. Your quick thinking proves that you have been well trained by those kindergarten “match-the-dots” exercises and high school venn diagrams. Let me now take advantage of this opportunity to let you in on a little secret—a conspiracy so discreet many doubt the veracity of its existence. There’s a top-secret experimental lab located in the bowels of the White House where government-employed agents do nothing but turn American citizens into either one of the following: hamsters, pawns in a chess set, or plastic green soldiers. This devious process begins with a lot of brainwashing, SAT preparatory classes and crying over 3.999 GPAs; then progresses into higher salaries, job promotions and the chance to be in the “Who’s Who” of the rich and the famous; and finally ends with an empty life but a happy retirement, nonetheless. Because…isn’t a happy retirement what we’re all ultimately working for? We want to make sure that we still have enough money left to stock up on those coveted Gerber fruit pastes and old-people diapers when our teeth start to fall out and new-age yuppies begin to usher us into convalescent homes. Through the years of succumbing to the demands and temporary highs of this fast-paced world, we have created our own Frankenstein—our own parody of living. Many of us suffer from shortsightedness and have a knack for giving significance to otherwise non-important objects. Like that ambitious little hamster, we credit ourselves with a false sense of purpose so we don’t realize that we’re living our days like one escape after another. And of course, in this society, it’s a given that self-contentment is nonexistent. How to solve this problem? Well, the best way is always to start at the roots. What is the first government institution that baptizes us into this kind of thinking? Our very own public schools. The way American children learn is very much like the way Shamu was trained to be the money-making attraction of Sea World. If he follows the whistles of the guy in the blue, he gets a fish for free. Therefore, the key to changing this mentality is to learn the life-saving technique of distinguishing which rewards are only for show…and which actually last forever.