(April 5, 2006) — The Brawny Man. Stephen Colbert. Gimli. Shaft. Colonel Sanders. What do these men have in common? They are men—pure and simple, no holds barred. They all stand for what they believe in. People rally for their cause, become martyrs for them even. And yet, this grand half of society still does not have any group dedicated to the preservation of their rights. This is an atrocity—no, an American tragedy. Why must there be only ONE Spike TV for every Lifetime, Oxygen, Sundance and WE? Why must there be only ONE Express for Men for every Charlotte Russe, Forever 21, BeBe, Rampage and Wet Seal? Thus, I propose using this column, my megaphone of manjustice (what I like to call my Testostephone), as a means for us oppressed men to gather ’round and create our own rights groups to combat the world’s many injustices. What injustices you may ask? The injustices manifesting themselves in repeated viewings of The Notebook and A Walk to Remember. The injustices forming themselves in purseholdings during fi tting-room activities and the forced constant reminders of “No, honey, you’re not that fat.” But wait… have I already been beaten to the punch? Does a men’s rights group already exist? Sweet man-beard of Zeus, one does! The National Center for Men is, as we speak, engaged in a fi erce lawsuit that it is calling Roe v. Wade for Men (not to be confused with Just for Men brand hair color). The gist of the lawsuit: if a pregnant woman can select between abortion, adoption or raising a child, a man involved in an unintended pregnancy should have the option of declining the fi nancial responsibilities of fatherhood if the mother refuses an abortion. If the plaintiff wins his suit, the option would be open for all men to refuse the fi nancial or paternal responsibility of any unwanted child. Potentially, the case could get to the Supreme Court, and eventually be used to amend the Constitution. amend the Constitution. So in laymen’s terms, men shouldn’t have…to pay… child support? Wait, something doesn’t sound right. If the mother is stuck with the responsibility of taking care of the child, then shouldn’t the father have some stake in it too? Oh my God. I’ve made a huge mistake.