(May 10, 2006) — Another family dinner at a Chinatown restaurant and I found myself ignoring the typical orange chicken and chow mein combo to get to the Almighty Fortune Cookie—that Mandarin “message-in-a-bottle” prophecy supposedly word processed by some random dude, but I give it the benefit of the doubt. So what did Buddha see coming for me that week? And the baked boomerang regurgitated the answer (drum roll please): “Your troubles will cease and fortune shall smile upon you.” Apparently, those Asian soothsayers weren’t psychic enough to know that I was a single day away from taking my AP exams and the only things I expected smiling down upon me were the twin executioners of caffeine and time pressure. Right then and there I decided to shed a tear and officially excommunicate myself from the whole pathetic cookie cult. But what to depend on now? In this crazy world where the only things certain are “death and taxes,” even the empty consolations of mass-produced batter become comforting enough to those seeking to hold on to any lasting wisp of their fastly-spinning lives. It’s funny how many pointless gimmicks have developed throughout history that reflect this innate human inclination to fight the omnipotent force of destiny. People really are stubborn creatures. If you think about it, the expression, “stubborn as a mule,” really puts the wrong specie of the Animalia kingdom in mind. It’s kind of like that whole pompous “I’m the king of the world” DiCaprio attitude or that defying response from the fledgling Neo in The Matrix when wise owl Morpheus asks him whether he believes in the concept of fate. I will never forget the Reeves reply: “I do not like the idea that I’m not in control of my life.” Brother, you’re just in denial. I mean, do we even have a single speck left within our scrawny sphere of control? Regardless of what those Barbie doll hosts tell you in weight loss infomercials, you are not in control of those love handles because every five minutes there flashes a “give-me-a-break” Kit Kat bar or Burger King commercial that make you just want to clog your arteries with high fructose corn syrup and processed meat. Likewise, you are not in control of your social life because Myspace just confined your much-needed human interaction to the mechanical act of “mouse-clicking.” And how can you even think about being in control of your future when College Board just turned you into a white sticker with a serial number. Don’t believe me? Ask the upperclassmen that just took their AP tests and see how intelligent it made them feel.
