(February 23, 2007) — Every time I think of the urinal I am hit with a terrible reminder of experiences I must endure every time I use a Clark restroom. I know I’m not alone when I complain. Millions—no, billions—must endure the same pain as I at the hands of the extreme horror of having to view another man . Where to start? How about the urinal: the neglected middle-child of toilets, exclusively positioned in only the male restroom. Every guy hates urinals at this school. Whoever designed them likely never used them. Let’s start with the positioning: The urinals are placed side by side. Without explanation, it’s quite obvious to see the problem with using a urinal while standing next to someone else—shoulder rubbing on them. It makes me want to throw up, and I’m sure I’m not alone. And even without being next to each other, the urinal is fundamentally flawed in design. It’s flat, and constantly when I use it, my shoes are splashed. But the problem doesn’t end there. Using a toilet in the male bathroom is just as bad. The toilet is a seemingly perfect invention. A porcelain throne, using it is as simple as sitting and letting go. It’s simple and ergonomic in design, and white—like every magnificent, blessed Apple product; however, in Clark Magnet things can go terribly wrong. Often when I swing the door open to my royal chamber my mouth is agape at the defiled remnants of my throne. The worst thing in the world, needing to go and not being able to thanks to a liquid barrier. I’m not completely negative about this, though; these flaws can be fixed, as long as proper solutions are implemented. Perhaps the addition of a splashguard would be useful in blocking backfire. Or even something as simple as an angled urinal wall could fix the problem. I’m sure you’ve been to theme parks that designate a splash zone (think Sea World and Shamu hitting the water). A painted line would be an extremely simple and easy solution to the splashing problem. Take these words of wisdom with you. Perhaps in the future you will not have to experience these horrors. I have a dream, that the future will be much dryer and less mentally scarring for all men in our restrooms. Less poppycock, more comfortable urinating.