(November 2, 2007) — “Hangover: the disagreeable physical aftereffects of drunkenness, such as a headache or stomach disorder, usually felt several hours after cessation of drinking.” Seeing as how my mother will end my life when she finishes reading this column, let me cut to the chase early on. In my life I have been known to break a few rules — some big, some small. As I get older, I find that behind every consequence is a lesson. My first big lesson: listen to your parents, kids; don’t drink. You’re thinking, “So what? Everybody drinks and never gets punished.” But there, my friends, is where you’re wrong. Earlier this year, I went with a friend of mine to a party. When I arrived I found out that I was the youngest person there, and not just younger by two or three years, but by at least five. As the youngest, it was every party monster’s plan to get me completely wasted. So the night began with about three or four rounds of double vodka shots. Several other drinks soon followed. As you can see, by this time I was having an almost out of body experience. About four hours into the party and I could hardly stand without someone holding me steady. After the embarrassment of puking my guts out, a little light bulb above my head lit. “So this is why every adult in my life has told me never to drink alcohol.” The next morning, the first thought I had in my mind was how was it possible that something was stabbing me in the kidneys, stomach and head simultaneously? I then realized to my horror that I was somewhere in Long Beach without any way to get home. I quickly called my sister and called in a favor. She arrived 20 minutes later with the most disgusting smelling sandwich and an Avril Lavigne song playing at maximum volume. I said a little prayer, got in the car and barely made it home. Since that day about five months ago, I haven’t so much as consumed a teaspoon of alcohol. That night was one of my major life lessons, right next to: don’t stick a fork in a socket, don’t stand out in the middle of a field in a lightning storm, and when Mr. Davis tells you to do something, run and do it. These, my friends, are my personal rules of thumb.