At last, our demands have been met! As the fair students of the distinguished Glendale Unified School District, we warmly salute our bureaucrats for finally installing a celestial North Korea that will end our teenage woes.

After all, what do we teenagers know? We don’t really get that concept of “cause and effect,” and it’s great to see our overlords involved in the lives of their serfs, just as they ought to. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

The passage above could be appropriate — if we were living in Medieval Paris, or even present-day Pyongyang. But according to the latest peer-reviewed research, we do indeed live in the United States of America, home of hot dogs, melting pots and our greatest triumph-to-date: the NSA.

But wait, there’s so much more! If you’re a teenager in the locale of Glendale, California, chances are you’re a humble attendee of its many public halls of academia, which invest critical resources in teaching the leaders of tomorrow the many particulars of a balanced education … and in feeding us … and in following our social media footprints so as to stop our rebel colleagues that are a hindrance to national security.

This, of course, is about a Hermosa Beach company named Geo Listening, which is being paid $40,500 yearly to monitor its juvenile delinquents and their delectable debauchery … to save us from the end of the world.

However much I’ve fantasized the GUSD’s goals, its means are just as ridiculous.

Imagine, for instance, being a creep. Imagine surfing the social web and collecting detailed information on what your classmates are saying, where they are and with whom, and keeping records of their dwindling emotional states. But no, you’re wrong; it’s not the same as being an online predator, because imagine also being paid to do so.

The GUSD, observing that parental involvement is not enough, has increased its authority over its rather humble citizens, whose opinions aren’t of the slightest matter. Maybe it’s just a Clark phenomenon, but let’s face it: our social media lives are rather pathetic. The content posted is so stale and mundane, so uneventful even, that those hired to stalk us will probably become fatigued and simply quit.

And that’s probably a good thing …

I’m glad to say that thanks to my circumstances, I have neither been a victim nor a witness of bullying. Faith in humanity is restored when comparing the health of our societal relationships with that of generations before us.

Bullying, however, is as human as greed is to the capitalist. Surveillance is simply no solution, and in fact violates even the harshest forms of democracy. When were the students assembled for reaching a general consensus on the issue? Why weren’t other methods of bullying-prevention implemented? Were they even considered?

I’m sorry. I’m out of order!

I totally forgot that this is an adult’s world: they make the decisions; they make the money; and most certainly they curtail the liberties. But freedom must prevail. Our voices SHOULD matter. We are the governed, seeking government not against, but for the people.

And until the teenage population recognizes its capabilities of unity and leadership, until they wake up — and smell the coffee — to the fact that Alexander the Great was ONLY 16 when he founded his first colony of the Macedonian Empire, or that 15-year-old Louis Braille single-handedly invented modern Braille, we will inevitably succumb to the infiltration of our elbow room in the public domain, however mind-numbing and unreadable our opinions may be.

Wake up, teenagers! It’s 3:01 pm!